In my sophomore year of high school, I went to Jamaica for a week on a family vacation. It was beautiful and gorgeous and full of vacationey stuff, namely sitting on our asses and eating too much at every meal. When we got home, that was the first time I remember stepping on the scale and noticing my weight. I still remember what it was: 137. I don't think I was technically overweight then, and it wasn't long after that I slowly started putting on some weight, just randomly maybe after holidays. I wasn't huge (maybe on the heavier side of a healthy BMI) but throughout high school I did imagine wistfully once in a while how nice it would be to look like my thinner friends.
Then college happened. Starting out college I wasn't completely happy with how I looked. I think I was hovering at around 151, technically bordering a healthy and "overweight" line at 5'5". I think my last physical showed normal values except for an elevated triglyceride. But I started dating my boyfriend at the time and all thoughts of losing weight went to shit. We ate out, celebrated small things with deliciously fat filled treats, comforted ourselves in times of stress, and since I was in a relationship, I felt comfortable being who I was. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, as long as Austin found me attractive, who gives a care? I probably gained at least 15 pounds the first two years of college. When we broke up junior year, I started going to the gym more in a half hearted attempt to make a change, but my diet stayed roughly the same and the weight was maintained. I felt fat, but not altogether unattractive. Boys still expressed interest here and there so I didn't altogether feel horrible about myself. I tried counting calories once but didn't do it very seriously, and I basically stayed the same size.
Cue the start of med school. Tons more work and stress and no time to think about wooing boys plus months of cold, Buffalo weather and no exercise resulted in a roughly 8 pound weight gain over the course of the first semester. I looked fat in the mirror; I would avoid looking at myself when I showered. But I had school to worry about and it just wasn't a priority. I had been going to the gym more so I wasn't ridiculously out of shape, just straight up fat. My mom had been trying to get me to lose weight, for both health and cosmetic reasons for the past couple of years but it had just been kind of background nagging. My dad who never had an opinion had started to agree with her over that past year, saying shit like "fan hou liu yi kou", meaning every meal should have a bite leftover. He would take care to reiterate often that I should always be feeling a little hungry, that's how he maintains his weight. I didn't altogether disagree with them, I just hadn't found the motivation to lose weight seriously.
After an emotional conversation with my mom on her birthday weekend this past February, during which I admitted I felt a lot of stress at school, turned to food for emotional comfort and felt ugly and fat, I finally felt the motivation to make a real change. I decided to go on the ketogenic diet, basically cutting out almost all carbs. I have been following it on reddit and since I have always been a carnivore, it didn't seem too ridiculous. I was finally tired of feeling fat, unattractive, and hyper aware of how fat I looked in pictures. It was finally time to really do something, and that something was the start of my new religion, my keto journey.
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